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Monday, March 26, 2012

review mirror

I have no idea why, there I am driving down life's express lane, music cranked up, tank full, and all of a sudden I look in the review mirror and see the wreckage I have left behind.  I woke up crying from a nightmare a couple of days ago.

That hasn't happened in years, probably more than 10.  I had no idea, i wasn't  melancholy, or dwelling on the past.  Sometimes the past has a way of reaching up and grabbing you.

My first girlfriend, who died when i was 20 and she was 18.  She was the first person to actually get me to act on feelings, and the first person and so far the only person, to know that when things mattered most, i failed.

I did nothing to help her, or my friend that was badly injured, the other girl that was with us, she wiped the blood from his eyes, and sat with Kris,  I just walked away, and she stopped me too.  It was the middle of the night in January, and I just started walking, if she hadn't stopped me I likely would have walked into the night and not come back.

I have been to see counselors, and talked to friends, and things like that.  I can get past her death.  I am at such a great place in my life, I have a good job, a great wife, an overly exuberant spectacular daughter, and I worry, that if I am needed to act in crisis again, will I fail again?

I really think that is what caused me nightmare, I just hope i never have to find out.

Saturday, March 3, 2012


So this week i finally committed to running (on the treadmill).  I have walked/ran 4 of 5 days this week.  So tht is good.  I just need to make it more run/walked before making in run, but I'll get to that.  The scale today said 193. 

That is all i gots right now.