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Sunday, January 31, 2010

Chasing Beaver

This morning at the crack of early, (It was predawn, and I don’t know an expression for predawn early) my dog decided that he needed to go outside. As it was not yet dawn and my dog feeling this lack of dawn was negatively impacting my mood, decided that he would do his best impersonation of Don Juan and chase some beaver. Which if the lighting is just right and I am in the mood, is a good time but not this early in the morning. So as dog lustfully takes off in pursuit of the ever-so elusive beaver, I followed, mostly because well, I was attached via a leash. (I am fairly certain I am supposed to decide where we go, but never mind that) My dog, as most dog is aided by a low center of gravity and four wheel drive, once we were on the pond it was him leading me and me trying not to fall on the ice while trying to explain to him that despite the fact the ice comfortably held the beaver, I find it highly unlikely the beaver weighted 305lbs. Not that I weight 305 but the dog and I are a combined 305 (Thankfully the ice held and the beaver escaped (again).

The mutt, (who is technically not a mutt) is nothing if not an eternal optimist. For 2 years now he has been chasing this beaver, I am not sure if it is a family of beavers or a swinging single pad, but he never passes up a good effort at catching some beaver, and by the lusty look in his eye, I am fairly confident he was certain he was going to get lucky this time.

Friday, January 29, 2010


As it turns out maybe blogging in the middle of night is a bad idea, or alternatively, using your blog to vent your frustration at the world instead of those around you is also a bad idea, I am sure the good idea lies somewhere in between hither and yon but nevermind that.

I was thinking, i should go work out and with that i am off to the gym.

Thursday, January 28, 2010


I am unable to sleep tonight mostly because of nightmares.  I got to thinking how do people who have friends pass away that are tech savvy deal with it.  I was just dreaming of a friend who passed 17 years ago.  Back then the internet was just starting up. 

I didn’t have an email account and no where could  you just search and find pictures of people.  If i was able to find pictures of her back then, I am fairly certain it would have driven me crazy.  If i could have seen her last blog post, or watched the evidence of her life slowly be ripped from the internet due to inactivity that would have sucked even more.

Maybe not, it sucked as it was, and it messed me up pretty good.  I lost myself then and am not the same person I was, which on one hand is good and on the other is very sad.  I hate that.

I hate when you wake up and it seems no matter how much time has passed, you head can renew the wounds ripped into your soul on a whim.   I am very happy right now, I have a good job, a few good friends, a great wife and a spectacular little baby girl, but every now and again, mostly around the end of January, My head thrusts the past to the front and center.

Not to say that I don’t think about things year round, there is a scar on my left hand from the accident, and I can’t notice it without it serving as a reminder that I failed.

I hate that about me!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Abligurition and other stuff

As it turns out English is widely spoken language that has many different contributor languages to draw from.  We speak a Germanic Language but of the Germanic languages ours is unique in the grammar.   Which serve to frustrate and confound those of us that speak English and try to learn and other, and those that speak another and try to learn English?
I was perusing a book the other day that basically chalked this up to, I don’t remember the name of the book or exactly the order dude theorized events happened in but it went something like this.  Germanic speaking folks figured out how to get to Britain, so they go over there where they find the locals speaking Gaelic, Welch and likely some others I’ve forgotten, so as is usually the case rather than completely displace, the locals the languages were sort merged, then the Vikings came down and messed it up even more so that the English we speak is a mix of the base Germanic language mixed with local Britain languages mixed with whatever the Vikings spoke.
Which is neither here nor there, but it got me thinking English has some a lot of words the Second Edition of the Oxford English Dictionary has entries for 171,476 of them in current use and 47,153 obsolete words.
Among these forgotten words is abligurition. Which word thinks is spelled wrong. But it isn’t, it is obsolete.  However, I think this is a word that needs to be brought back into usage.  A few months ago we looked at our monthly spending and realized we were spending an obscene amount of money on food.  Not even good food, we were spending our fortune and getting a lot of food that was making us sick.
 In case you’re wondering abligurition, means prodigal expense for food.  I am fairly certain in today’s culture it isn’t just us that have this problem, I drive down the street and every corner it seems has a drive through. 

Second issue, is I've been working out at a athletic club, and this old guy has taken to talking to me in the locker room, which I guess is good, but he does it naked.  Everyone, or nearly everyone at this club, chats naked.  WTF, when I am standing there with my junk all exposed the last thing I want to do is talk to someone about my weekend plans, these lads on the other hand seem to think there is nothing wrong with it, I find that weird.

Third issue, at the same club they're running a special six week training program for only 800 bucks.   $800 dollars for 2 personal training sessions per week for six weeks.  Sheesh, here is Jerry's new answer to that.
A penny weights 2.5 grams, there are 28.35 grams in an ounce and 16 ounces in a lb. $800 bucks in nickles is about 170 lbs. 

I think I would rather get the 172 put in a back pack carry it around for six weeks, and then I would have 800 and I am sure I would be in better shape, I suppose I should deduct the cost of replacing my backpack and the chiropractor, but nevermind that.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Difference between men and women

I was over at Abby's reading her post, and I thought I've not posted a difference between men and women post in a while and since Abby posted one, I thought you know this is timely becuase I was talking to my boss about it. Before I get going I thought I would remind everyone that I operate under the premise that women are crazy and men are stupid.  Which via exhaustive research and clinical trials has been found to be 100% likely.

Here is my thoery for why women end up on that TV show Snapped.

Women's minds can be explained string theory to explain the universe, everything is related, intertwined and has meaning. Men on the other hand will sit and ponder and dilberate within their heads and at the of much deliberation and pondering come to remarkable conclusions like, "I think, therefore I am."  To which other men with say, that is genius.  I am sure Mrs. Decartes was like, no shit you are, you are late for diner!  Her version was probably He thinks therefore nothing gets done.  The problem with string theory however is it doesn't work.  At least it can't be proven to work the math just doesn't work.

Anyway, women's minds are trying to make connections and find reason for actions in the universe. Namely 2 women will get to together and gossip about another women's actions, and they all assume the actions taken are meaningful, thoughtout and most likely evidence of the 3rd women's being a backstabbing bitch.  I do not know that this is how all women are, I do know that, when you try to apply the same rules to men's actions the evaluation doesn't work.  This is becuase of a varible not often considered by women.

That variable is, there is no reason for why we do stuff, we just do and move on.  You can't expect us to answer your questions about why we do stuff, becuase we don't know, we decide to do something do it and then move on.  For example dude deicdes he is going to do something crazy like get a motorcycle.  So dude gets a bike, when women finds out she'll ask why, and the guy will say, I don't know.  Then she gets her panties all in a bunch and get mad, but dude is just being honest, if you want to know why he got a bike ask him before he gets it.
But the trick with that is, how do you know to ask why guys did something before they done it?  But if you wait till after they've done it, then they won't know why.
I remember a while back seeing an interveiw with Tiger Woods' mom talking about the difference between his mom and dad.   She said something like, he was a softie, he will forgive, he will forget, I don't forget anything!  This sort of behavior is beyond most men.
In short, Male/Female relationships would work alot better if women would accept that for the most part, men are not thinking, we don't know why we do stuff, and we really don't care why other people are doing stuff if it doesn't bother me.
Granted there are exceptions to this rule, there are the guys that hold grudges for years only to unleash them in the future, and there are women that are just as clueless as men are.

Monday, January 18, 2010

My thoughts!

I was at church this weekend. The guy spoke about the Book of Revelations. He did a fairly good job. I really hate when people read this book. It seems that everyone thinks everything going on now is proof the end times are near. He didn’t do that, so I was pleased. These the end is near prognostications have been going on for as long as there have been Christians. Everyone seems to think their problems and plights have biblical scope. As bad as the news programs paint the world now, it seems to me, it is far from the darkest days, but what do I know?

If you want to know what Jerry has learned from the Bible and the book of Revelations in particular pay attention to this, if not, well, see you next paragraph or post of something. But this little nugget may be the only thing I ever write worth writing and well it may be complete nonsense too, but sometime when I was a teenager this thought popped into my head and has stayed there.

You should live your life like the end is now, and you should prepare your life as if the end will never come.

That is it really, I was talking to a client a few weeks ago and I got to bust that little nugget out. She was asking me about retirement savings and we looked at a projection that planned for her to still have money when she was 112. Which I suppose is pretty optimistic thinking, but beyond that, she asked should I save that much?

This particular woman is in the enviable position of having more money than most of us, and by saving that much she meant should I have that much in my retirement accounts instead of somewhere else, but I suppose the way you get there is to save first and ask questions later, that is probably another life lesson, but never mind that for today.

I got to tell her the only people who don’t run out of money when they retire are the ones that plan to need it. Which reminded me of my biblical thought when the preacher gave his sermon.

That is the only people that need to be concerned with judgment day are those in fear of judgment.

Also not completely unrelated I was at the library this weekend and I got Tuesdays with Morrie. This book is a good book that is very emotional. Emotional in that it gets you thinking I should do more. Not more work, or things like that but more things like spend time with my wife and baby. Tell my dad I love him, and listen to my mom’s meaningless pointless inane stories. Those sort of things. Which is also what I take from the Bible, for church and all stories about judgment, stone casting, plagues, death, and destruction, to me, it comes down to, Is there enough love in your life?

I should wake up every day, thankful for everything, but some days, I get lost in the world. I think I have to do this at work, or I have to do this, turns out I don’t have to do anything. I have to learn to love my family and my friends more, that is really all I have to do.

As I writing this I am avoiding writing a letter to the IRS. I am glad I pick the more important thing to write.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

haiti, weightloss, and updates in general

First off the Haiti thing, sucks, and I don't think the news should ignore it, but at somepoint the saturation is overwhelming.  That being said, here are things I am thankful for today, Colorado was not hit by an Earthquake.  I can afford to have a laptop and high speed internet access, so i can share my thoughts with the world, although, I know only a handful of folks come accross this.

I would like to do more but I can't, but if you haven't given anything to them, you can donate $5.00 to Yele Haiti by texting Yele to 501501.

Or You can text “HAITI” to 90999 to donate $10 to American Red Cross relief for Haiti.

Or if you have more donate the old fashioned way, Anyway the point is I am thankful I can donate, and don't need donations.  However there will likely come a time when I do need help from someone, and I don't think I can reasonably expect help from anyone if I do nothing.  Does that make sense?
Completely unrelated, but at the end of September, first of October I was in DC and we had some photos taken, I realized my melon was massive and my girth was well girthy.

SO that is about 3 weeks in October, 4 in nov and December and 2 into Jan.  That is 13 weeks, which fits in nicely with my 13 lbs of weightloss, If i keep that clip up I'll be back to my old high school weight in time for my 20 year reunion, I have seriously got to start working on the mullett now if i am going to bring sexy back.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

news sucks

This morning I was getting dressed and I was listening to the news.  I think it was HLN but it may have been any of them, as my wife, likes to change up which news show we put on in the morning, I will for the post pretend it was fox, becuase well, FOX sucks the most.

So there was a reporter standing a street somewhere in Haiti.  And dude actually said something similar to this.  Do you hear that women wailing in the background, she has just learned her son has died, cut to women in tears, wailing.

WTF is that, I do not need to see that to understand the devistation in Haiti.  I mean I don't understand it, and I doubt any of us in the US do.  But what the hell is wrong with people that exploit other people's sorrow?  This didn't make me more informed, it didn't make me want to watch the channel more, it turned my stomache, that is all it did.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Kids = Germs

I am sick, not like typhoid sick or the clap, just your garden variety sick.  Lung butter, and nasal pudding in ample supply, slight fever, and a overall sense of being tired, which my be from several things, a. having a baby, b. having gone snow boarding yesterday, c. putting forth the energy to think of reasons, why I am sick.

However, last week we kept the spawn home from daycare for two days becuase of symptoms that are similar to what i've got and at her day care, a few (3) kids have confirmed cases of rvs. Which as my doctor explained looks like a cold, only it can be worse especially if you have what she called whimpy white males. By whimpy she meant premature.  As my daughter is none of those things, the doctor said just watch her and if she starts to have trouble breathing, i.e. using her stomache muscles to breathe or flairing her nostrails to breathe bring her in, if not don't worry about it, becuase I can't do anything anyway. 

Back to my story, I googled RSV virus to see, if that is what i have and given my lack of epidimelogical skills, I have decided I do not have that virus, I think I gots the regular cold virus.  Anywho, On the mayo clinic's website it has this warning.

"Seek immediate medical attention if your child experiences difficulty breathing, runs a high fever or turns blue in color. "

So Jerry's guide to parenting this week says, if you wait till you child turns blue to go to the doctor, perhaps you need to get some parenting tips from someone more qualified than yourselves.    Which does not include me.

Side note and another problem no one warns  you about when you become a parent.  About the time the kids learn to crawl, the degree of difficulty for your average diaper change is significantly increased.
This little nugget should be told to all new parents.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


This morning I was getting ready for work and learned that I didn't have any clean pants. Well, when I say learned that really isn't true, It was more I had to face the fact that I didn't clean any pants, and last night when I got home from work and in my best mr. rogers, changed out of my work pants and into my cargo shorts. I knew at that point I didn't have any clothing, but to rectify the situation would have required me to take action.

That is clearly not what I wanted to do, so this morning when I was facing the fact that none of my not denim not cargo shorts leg coverings where in a condition to wear to work, I thought to myself, "self this little black pencil skirt is clean."  So I ask the wife is I have the legs for this.

She says you have the legs for it, but you don't have the adam's apple for it.  Damn, my simple solution to my self created dilema was shot down, simply becuase I have an adam's apple. That sucks.  I don't even think it is noticable one, i suppose if i was cross dressing, someone would say that is a dude, look he has an adam's apple.

Which got me to thinking, who do cross dressers thinnk they're fooling?  I mean even if you don't have an adams apple and you can tuck the junk with best of them, you still have man hands.  I have tiny little hands, but there is no denying they're man hands.  My fingers are short and stubby, not long and elegent. Even women with smaller hands than me, seem to have much longer fingers, I am fairly certain the average dudes, finger length to hand size ratio is different than the same ratio on non-men.  I could be wrong who knows.

Anyway had my pencil skirt plan not been shot down, i am curious.  If you wear a pencil skirt can you wear man socks and men shoes or do you have to get heals and hose?  I mean I know heals would make my calves look sausy but I don't know they're appropriate.

Monday, January 4, 2010

There is an App for that

sugar Most everyone I know has a smart phone, perhaps that is an exaggeration, a lot of the people I know have smart phone (thanks to my 10th grade english teacher, I know neither alot nor a lot are correct. After about five years of blogging is now really the time to start concerning myself with gammer, I think not!)  Anyway, I see the commercials saying there is an app for that for the iphone and I see commercials for Verizon saying there is a map for that.

I have a free phone and do you want to know why I do not have a smart phone.  Well there are several reasons, among them is they're expensive and  data plans are about 20 bucks a month. If i spend 20 bucks and the wife and the dog and the baby we're at 80 bucks a month on data, do i need that much data in my phones?  I like texting and calling, I don't need my phone to tell me when a movie starts or anythnig like that, and I certainly don't need my spam delievered to my phone.

However there is one app that I would pay for but I've yet to see it offered.  Here is what I want from a expensive cell phone. 

Say if someone is out walking a dog and decideds to cross what looks like a solidly frozen beaver pond with the dog, only to discover that the pond is less than solidly frozen. So this person goes home and in a fit of near frostbite induced convulsions, strips off his pants, socks, and shoes becuase they're wet upto his knees and then does the only smart thing a person in such a situation could do, and throws the nasty water tainted articles of clothing in the wash machine.

I want a phone that will still work a few minutes later when my less chilly self realizes that the phone and the wallet are in the wash machine, but no, there is not an app for that, so I buy the cheap phones :-D

Also in response to my last post, abby wanted to know what is right about pink frosting.  This is a question that only someone that dwells in Yurts and runs more than a 1000 miles a year would ask.    What is right with pink frosting is known to people who fit the following profile.
  • Men*
  • Lefthanded
  • Steelers fans
  • CPA's
  • MBA's
  • A- blood type
  • I am pretty sure that you must have leveled a holy priest to 80 in Warcraft.
  • Have read more than 30 of Stephen King's novels.
  • Have narcolepsy
  • lack the ability to spell well
* yes i am a men all by myself!

If you fit I'll say 5 of those then you will know what is right about pink froasting on a sugar cookie, if you don't, well perhaps that nugget of knowledge will perpetually elude you.