nightmares

I am unable to sleep tonight mostly because of nightmares.  I got to thinking how do people who have friends pass away that are tech savvy deal with it.  I was just dreaming of a friend who passed 17 years ago.  Back then the internet was just starting up. 

I didn’t have an email account and no where could  you just search and find pictures of people.  If i was able to find pictures of her back then, I am fairly certain it would have driven me crazy.  If i could have seen her last blog post, or watched the evidence of her life slowly be ripped from the internet due to inactivity that would have sucked even more.

Maybe not, it sucked as it was, and it messed me up pretty good.  I lost myself then and am not the same person I was, which on one hand is good and on the other is very sad.  I hate that.

I hate when you wake up and it seems no matter how much time has passed, you head can renew the wounds ripped into your soul on a whim.   I am very happy right now, I have a good job, a few good friends, a great wife and a spectacular little baby girl, but every now and again, mostly around the end of January, My head thrusts the past to the front and center.

Not to say that I don’t think about things year round, there is a scar on my left hand from the accident, and I can’t notice it without it serving as a reminder that I failed.

I hate that about me!